Some recommendations to improve your quality of life:

• Every public school teacher in NJ should quit his or her job and get a job in private industry instead. It will pay more, be a lot less stressful, give you free weekends year-round, and earn you a lot more respect from the general public. As an added bonus, if you earn enough money, the government will protect you from any tax increases, while bullying the few remaining teachers to “give back” portions of their salaries so that you can have a property tax rebate.

• When driving, stay in whichever lane makes you most comfortable, no matter how slow you drive or how many cars you hold up behind you. And don’t even think about switching to an exit lane from a highway until the last possible moment. You can always cut off anybody who happens to be in your way. It’s better they get aggravated and their life endangered than you do anything that interferes with your own self-indulgence in the slightest bit.

• Don’t worry about lower-income people struggling to make expenses, senior citizens barely able to make their medical co-pays, or public workers whose pensions are in danger of failing due to the state government ignoring mandatory payments for over a decade. It is more important that you protect your own income at all costs. Join the local Tea Party and start screaming about the necessity for tax cuts, no matter how many people get hurt in the process, so long as it is not you.

• Don’t be concerned about the huge number of people being murdered in our streets every day. The Constitution protects everybody’s right to bear arms, and we’ll all be a lot safer if every honest person is armed as well as the criminals. Buy yourself an assault weapon and keep it loaded and on display on the wall of your living room. That will surely scare away anybody who enters your house with evil intentions and provide you with total protection from harm, for what intruder would dare take that weapon off the wall when they know it belongs to you?

• Do not allow anybody to hinder your children’s precious self-esteem. If any teacher dares to give them a low grade, or make their class too difficult and stressful, immediately complain to the superintendent of schools (bypass both the lowly principal and the chairperson) and threaten to hire a lawyer if that teacher does not coddle your children with a pleasant classroom atmosphere and easy material that any dimwit could master. Education is overrated anyway.

• Support the movement to severely limit the number of immigrants to this country, legal or otherwise. So what if our lazy, self-indulgent students are not qualified either for graduate school or to handle most important science and technology jobs in the country? So what if denying access to the best and brightest people in the world will gradually erode our economy and eventually weaken our standard of living drastically? By the time it has any serious affects, you’ll be dead anyway, and who cares about a future when you won’t be alive anyway?