Laughter is the best medicine:

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money though. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. Because I wanna take my money to the afterlife." He got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!"

She walked over with a shoebox which she placed in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.

Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in there with that stingy old man."

She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."

*

A pirate walked into a bar in Miami and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in awhile. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannonball, but I'm fine now."

"Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them pooped in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from some bird poop."

"It was my first day with the hook."